Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
When you’re Kinky but poor
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.