When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My dad teaching me to drive
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…