“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Things will get butter, keep churning
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume