me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
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If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.