Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I love the honesty
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
You learn something every day
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet: