I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of