One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
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Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
oh my gosh!!
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]