do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
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If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.