MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
OKAY DAD
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god