Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
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A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
If only
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
c’mon!
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot