onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
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Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Oh my god
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I’m having an out of money experience.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”