Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
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“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage