My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no