Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
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Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.