I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
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Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
*Inspirational Tweets*
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
stop
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”