Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
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Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
There is no “ea” in Tim.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I know a bad idea when I see one.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Word!
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.