A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
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going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I enjoy a good short stor
Wait for it
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
You’ll be OK
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me: