When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie