Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas