If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
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When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.