You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
You Might Also Like
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
look at me when i’m typing to you
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix