You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no