My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
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I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I鈥檓 getting work done
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I鈥檓 in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Fun Fact: Baby powder鈥檚 ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
when i鈥檓 dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don鈥檛 want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I鈥檓 set!
Me: I know something we can do tonight 馃槈
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Me: I鈥檓 feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all