I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
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Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Twitter is the new flypaper.