The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Bike for sale
Body by cheese-puffs.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
my dog when i have a friend over
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.