me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
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If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see