*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
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Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Somebody’s lying.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents