Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Legend 🤣🤣
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.