*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
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These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Twitter is an abusement park.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Many hands make light work