terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
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Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
2005 Single
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2007 Single
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2010 Single
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2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.