Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
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was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.