Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫