FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
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The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
this is uni
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Time for evil
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”