When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
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please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.