My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
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“The Perfect Relationship”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
A woman drives into a bar.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.