[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
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OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it