Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
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DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
black phone good
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I have a black belt in leather
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.