If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
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My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.