Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
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Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
When you’re here for the treats.