Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Anyone really
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?