[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
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My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.