*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
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When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”