But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
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I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Clients after you give them your rates
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”