Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
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it’s the silliest best thing
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I had to Stop for this
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Bond. Trauma bond.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.