The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
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*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?