*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
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… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
buys donuts instead
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.