Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
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No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
bad news gang
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.