If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
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[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao