detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
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I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.