Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
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*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.